Life of Daivanshi

Being in a position where rest feels more like anger towards yourself. When you see yourself not reaching to your capabilities. When everyday your potential keeps hitting new lows. This is not because I am not capable of doing what I do and what I want to do. It’s not a dream beyond my league. I know where I stand and where I can stand. Yet, everyday is a new hurdle that feels like blurring my dream for me.

I have been doing something or the other constantly. Especially since the last 4 years, I have used up all my college breaks into putting efforts in my work. My vacations turned into 4-5 days at maximum. I guess this is what happens when you turn into an adult. I feel like choosing to work with college made me forget how taking out time for myself feels like. Everything I have done has been with a clear goal in my head. I don’t remember doing something just for the sake of it. Studies for passing exams, working for passion but with a clear return on investment; that’s what my life turned into. Even when my entire path has been chosen by me, for me; the pressure of working increased and so did my anxiety. Now it is a battle against my body every time I want to work. Is this how it is supposed to feel like? Is this how everyone feels? Has anyone gotten an answer to deal with it?

Social media is sometimes the worst enemy. I pretend to scroll to find inspiration online but end up comparing my journey to others. Consciously I know that what I see is not the full picture but when I see people my age accomplishing a lot more, I feel anger towards myself and the pressure I feel. It makes me see the whole “pressure” and “anxiety” as a sign of weakness because how am I not being achieve what those unknown people are achieving. This is just me adding unnecessary fuel to the already strong fire. I don’t see failure as a sign of weakness but this stress is my rock bottom. It’s as if I cannot see myself not being able to do something that has an ROI.

Every piece of content that I have produced or thought to produce, be it writing blogs or shooting videos, I was stuck with coming up with some lesson that I learned or wanted to explain. Maybe that’s why I could never stick around with producing the content consistently. I started to feel that every platform where I showed myself, it was an alter ego of who I actually am. I aced in hiding my mess and staying delusional of my “picture-perfect” life. The truth? I feel guilty of having my weaknesses. How can someone my age even be in the position of pressure? The stress cannot be real, right? At the very moment I say this to myself, I am digging my own grave.

How do I bounce back from this? How long will it take me? Even when I want to give myself a break, I am wondering how long will I take to feel fully rested. What an irony! Why can’t I think about taking a break for the need to actually be with myself without thinking of the result of how I will feel once I am rested?